Heaven or Hold

Following is a transcript of a conversation I had on or around 4:00 this afternoon. I transcribed it as the conversation unfolded.

*****

Fedex: Thank you for calling fedex, how may I assist you today?

Me: Hi, how are you?

Fedex: Fine sir. And yourself? [male voice seems "young"]

Me: Great thanks. I need your help. I'm tracking a package right now and I can't understand why it just can’t seem to make it to its destination. I need your help in knowing why when I track it, it looks as though it’s been turned away twice. I’m looking at one note here that says the business was closed.

Fedex: Ok sir, do you have the tracking number?

Me: Just a sec. Ready?

Fedex: Anytime sir.

Me: 779316133267681318362475579321779331248546843126 (this is the only embellishment in the dialogue, the rest is as true to form as I could simultaneously type and talk.)

Fedex: Let me check for a moment. [Hold music and other Fedex whoozymaroo]

[Long wait]

Fedex: Thank you for holding sir, it says that the business was closed and they will try again tomorrow morning.

Me: Yeah, I see that on the website. That was on Friday though and I'm wondering why they didn't deliver it today.

Fedex: Sir, it appears that it’s to a rural address and that's maybe why they can’t find it. I need to check on something, can you hold sir?

Me: Sure.

[Long wait]

Fedex: Sir, it says that the package will go out for delivery again tomorrow. It's a rural address and maybe they are having a hard time finding it.

Me: M-hmm. Rural address. I see. Can you tell me what address is listed on the piece of paper, uh you know, the airbill? I want to make sure that it's what I have on file.

Fedex: Okay. Let’s see, just a moment while I look that information up. It says…

Sha...

Tow...

Day...

V...

E...

R...

S...

A...

Me: Versailles! Chateau de Versailles.

Fedex: Yes, that's right sir.

Me: [Pausing and doing trademark anger management inhale] Just so we’re clear on something, your notes are correct. This is in fact a rural address, but this particular address to which I am sending this extremely important package is a PALACE. It’s a big building, probably the only one in the area.

Fedex: Oh OK. Hold on.

[Hold music. Long wait again]

Fedex: Sir, what I know is that it went out for delivery on Friday and it will go out again in tomorrow morning.

Me: I know this too. It says it on screen. [lowered, fakely calm voice] Lemme tell you this, this palace is kind of like the White House of France. It's a big place with people all the time. It's not a little farm house.

Fedex: Ok sir, can you hold on, let me check something.

[Hold]

Fedex: Sir it says that the package -

Me: No listen, even if something was not completely correct about the address I entered, the people handling this know what this place is. What I’m trying to say is that it’s hard to miss. It's very hard. You have to imagine that I'm trying to send something important to the you know, the White House of France. Can you understand why I'm having a hard time understanding why the driver can't find it?

Fedex: Sure sir.

Me: What I want to know is why my package was turned away. The tracker thing says the building was closed on Friday. As far as I know, it's open all week. And today, for no reason, it was out out for delivery and at almost 11 at night, at night! it comes back to the fedex facility there. What is the problem so I know what to do with my other packages?

Fedex: I see. Hold on.

[Hold music. I'm breathing]

Fedex: Sir, what I can tell you is that is that we tried to deliver it on Friday and for some reason that was the only time.

Me: No. The website indicates two trips, both unsuccessful. [Pausing and breathing] I see that you are doing all that is in your power to help me, and I appreciate it, is there someone else I can speak to who can just answer me this question: what is happening that my package can’t make it to a known landmark that is always open?

Fedex: Sir, it’s just my supervisors above me and they can only tell you what's in the system.

Me: A similar thing has happened before, can I talk to someone in Atlanta C.A.T.?

Fedex: Sir, you can talk to someone in E-CAT, but they are above me.

Me: But wouldn't that be a good thing?

Fedex: Not really. See, they have to do the same thing I do. Well, it's in ODA. That means it's out of our hands.

Me: ODA.

Fedex: Overseas Delivery Agent. It's all in their hands now. Uh I guess I can put in a request for a tracer.

Me: A tracer?

Fedex: We can put a tracer on it. We can put in note to call the local station agent and get that person to explain what happened.

Me: Yes. That’s what I want. I want to know what exact truck it was on, and who the driver is, and why it’s not getting there. This is an extremely important package and I have a hard time understanding why it just can’t get to the palace. People are waiting for this thing.

Fedex: Well, I'm putting a note into the blah blah blah blah blah

Me: [Praying. Writing down a case number, not melting down.]